"In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart, for I have overcome the World!"
On Thursday I woke up thinking that it was going to be one of the best days of my life! I was having my final anatomy scan and thought I'd finally be able to tell the world I was having a GIRL! I had already been told on Jan 5th and 12th that I was having a girl. I was so excited, that I really thought it was too good to be true. I actually had trouble believing it, which is why I wanted to wait until Thursday to be able to tell everyone. (Although I did have trouble keeping it a secret, because I was so excited!)
Josh and my mom met me at Dr. Browne's office to be there for the exciting time. When I layed down the sonographer started scanning my ovaries. From previous experience, I had to be the one to ask the question, "Is there a heartbeat?". She immediately scanned over where the heart was and told me "No!"
No? No Heartbeat?!?! Words can't even begin to explain how I felt at that moment. How could one of the best days of my life, turn into one of the worst?
How could I go from being so happy to heartbroken in a matter of seconds?
Most of all, I wondered how the Lord could LET this happen! I have done nothing but thank the Lord every. single. day. for this precious blessing!
My sadness turned to anger. I was too vested in this. I had already picked out a name, I had already bought clothes. Dr. Browne had told me that everything had been looking so great. How that less then 1% had miscarriages after the first trimester......
How could this happen? I'm still asking myself these questions, still wondering what the doctor missed, still wondering why the Lord let this happen.......
But I DO know that the Lord DOES love me. And I DO know he wouldn't give me more then I can handle. And I DO know that I CAN handle this.....although I wish I didn't have to.
I am feeling better everyday. I am still emotional but nothing that I can't get through.....
I have a wonderful husband and two precious boys and they help put a smile on my face everyday.
A smart person wrote me, and told me that grief, brokenness, hope and joy can all occupy the same heart, and I agree!
The words from Kutless' "That's what Faith Can Do" keeps playing thru my mind and I know there is a reason.
I haven't spoken to many people since Thursday, and that's just my way of dealing with things. It really does amaze me at all the wonderful friends who have reached out to me during this time. The emails, calls, texts, cards, flowers, dinners......I am overwhelmed at how loved I feel. Even if I don't respond, know I am very thankful for each of you. I am truly blessed with wonderful friends.